Pert, C., Molecules of Emotion. Hence the person bragging out being “Brutally Honest” usually doesn’t mean that in a positive way. Find Laura on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+ and on her blog. Brutal honesty is reality, and verbal abuse is abusive. Why Are Some People Noncompliant With Stay-at-Home Orders? And being diplomatic will help you maintain healthy relationships. Either way, my observation is still a perception they may want to address. 7(5): p. 458-60. Brutal Honesty. very sweet of you, and greatly appreciated!! The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Then: Do what you know is best…. And, it’s how he connects with people. 5: p. 517. Matt: Looking at your first paragraph, as you say, it’s not something that YOU pride yourself in being. When I posted this on my Facebook page I received lots of comments; most in agreement. I guess it’s all a matter in how you look at being ‘honest’ in the cultural (and by default a personality as well) context. just a thought and NOT a reality? And, while that’s terrific, I wouldn’t suggest trying to duplicate that strategy with the customer you are dealing with, the customer service rep or supervisor you need to help you, the waiter at the restaurant, the police officer from whom you need assistance, your child’s schoolteacher, or…well, practically anyone else. Enjoyed your post and I do remember that thread on Facebook. That’s how I came across this article. This is a completely factual type of statement. Join my email list to receive notifications of new posts, UCLA Center for the Neurobiology of Stress. And, there is nothing positive about “brutal” honesty when the brutal part is for its own sake. Few people want to be yelled and screamed at, made to feel wrong, or otherwise berated. First, figure out a way to make a brutal and honest assessment of your current situation. Brain Res, 2011. Yes, there are times when we must be honestly open in our criticism but do it with diplomacy and kindness. [1] More than 10 million people, myself included, weigh over 500 pounds; drug addiction and alcoholism are at an all-time high (no pun intended), and the economy is tighter than my skinny jeans. Very recently there was a post from Michael Hyatt about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s famous ‘I have a dream” speech and Michael pointed out that “Great leaders do not sugar quote the reality.”. That seems simple enough. 2011; Available from: http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/astounding-increase-in-antidepressant.... 2. The message is not always one someone wants to hear but may need to and doing it in a way that is tactful and considerate gives it an even greater chance of being heard. Its all a bit much and its a constant battle of courage to express anything anymore. 19(5): p. 494-9. Who you are told you should be, and what you are told you should want is often a consensual reality. In fact, there are times when only your closest friends will be able to be brutally honest with you. Honesty is almost always the best policy. I said beauty was a consensual reality.... hence various beauty standards around the world, what is beautiful to the Watusi and the Swedes and a tribe in New Guinea are very different. I recently opened a new business and had a complete failure of a service with an extremely difficult client. Those who take pride in being “brutally honest” are typically more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest. Nobody is perfect. So, “brutal honesty” is still not my style. I always appreciate your kind and encouraging words. However, from public speaking point of view, some of the world famous speakers are known to be brutally honest from the stage. Honesty also involves being trustworthy, loyal, fair, and sincere.. Whenever I asked someone permission to be direct with them, they always welcomed the feedback and appreciated the insights. And the person I’m speaking with. And, that we also need to understand who we are dealing with and how they best respond. My heart hurts! Take care. I’ve seen that same sentiment expressed in other posts and articles, as well. And, while I don’t know any of them personally, I would hope that when they are dealing with their loved ones, employees, and the waiter at the restaurant, they act accordingly. Friedman, Perceived interpersonal mistreatment among obese Americans: do race, class, and gender matter? Front Psychol, 2014. In this society, the ugly are garbage. Acknowledge what you think is GOOD – and you have to really mean it!!!!! Thank you again for sharing with us. I will add – if I may – that utilizing tact and diplomacy in conjunction with that honesty is a way of telling someone something they need to hear which will generally be much more productive for everyone involved. It’s not weak, it’s not coddling, it’s being straight, but without vague name-calling and other verbal abuse. However, when chronically engaged, your stress responses become cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and metabolic disorders. hardily ever went out. Regarding your concern, I think that, first, it depends upon the context. Feel free to read our complete Privacy Policy. The phrase “I’m going to be brutally honest” is typically expressed as a pre-cursor to warn others (not the person it’s aimed at) that an opinionated view is about to follow. Such people are confused about the difference between opinion and fact. What really puzzled me, was when I used “brutal honesty” in the same form she did on her and she couldn’t handle it and got offended. Susan Storm is a certified MBTI® practitioner and lover of all things psychology-related. I don’t believe this is the case. He'd NEVER make it brutally honest when a self-absorbed a-hole tells someone his or her version of the truth without any regard for the person's feelings or self-esteem ; usually done for the sole entertainment and self-fulfillment of the speaker with no benefit to the recipient except for … In my usage, it has been to freely and openly express what I am feeling, why I am doing as I am, what are the motivations behind my actions, why I want or don’t want something. My husband is always tactful, and I go back and forth between tactful and very direct. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci, 2013. She is the mom of five beautiful children and loves using her knowledge of personality type to understand them and others better! Yes, I believe we do define it differently. Social Media Is Harmful to Your Brain and Relationships, Excessive Attention-Seeking and Drama Addiction. I love this post. Gayle: Right on! Just a form of verbal abuse where the speaker justifies their inability to be persuasive using other more effective forms of communication. Sheps, Acute and chronic psychological stress in coronary disease. I’ve been struggling with it and trying to figure out why and how I left myself so vulnerable to it. There’s a difference. Here is a video of the Bukowski poem Nirvana created by Lights Down Low Productions. So, "Houston we got a problem.”. Ramachandruni, S., E. Handberg, and D.S. The person that “NEED” to be brutally honest – often does it to make themselves look better by making the other one wrong – NOT a good condition to be in. Katherine: In my opinion…VERY-well said!!!!! ugliness cuts to the core is correct. 22. Becky: Terrific points. Honesty has an agenda, which is to make the situation or person or group better. MIchelle: VERY well-said and well-expressed, my friend. [23, 24]  The surges in blood pressure and quick glucose metabolism, caused by the stress response, are assets if you are actually preparing to fight or run. Regarding your second paragraph, I don’t quite see where being kind and tactful has to in any way negate (or in any other way take away from) being honest. Carr, D., K.J. Her parents encouraged her relationship with me because grow a beard to conceal his face. Bill O’Reilly, Judge Judy, Dr. Phil, Howard Stern, etc. Putting aside the value of kindness (for its own sake) for a moment, even if only for practical reasons being tactful is much more likely to ensure that the person will not only not be defensive and resistant, but is much more likely to be open to and accepting of your advice. "Scare Crow" from Batman. I was so guilt stricken that I never attempted get another 1. A narcissistic injury occurs when narcissists react negatively to perceived or real criticism or judgment, boundaries placed on them, and/or attempts to hold them accountable for harmful behavior. Love your inspirational message and concomitant depth! Brutally honesty sinks in, to the point where people do GET IT. Physiol Rev, 2007. girlfriend. Good, bad or indifferent. Dear God is a poignant collection of funny, often heartbreaking, and deeply insightful letters to God that bravely share the emotions we all feel as we grapple with this broken world and search for divine love. And that’s pretty awesome. Then, as best you can, accurately gauge where you’re at. Great wisdom. Children at Risk for Maltreatment During COVID-19 Pandemic, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, How Gut Bacteria Are Linked to Mental Health, When and How Couples Decide to Call Off a Wedding, The Value of Going to Bed at the Same Time as Your Partner, The Relationship Consequences of a Partner's Unmet Sexual Ideals. Imagine what would happen if a CEO called a subordinate to his/her office and said, “I want to be brutally honest with you. As mentioned about halfway through my original post, “Sure, there’s a time and place for most things. The stakes are a lot higher and therefore romantic partners tend to tread more carefully around touchy themes than they would when talking with their best friends. Hi Danielle. display her face. No wonder so many people are on anti-depressants, drunk, stoned or in a carb coma – there is more stress than oxygen in the air. The ugly are trash. Again, words have different meanings to different people so if your premise is that “brutal” doesn’t actually mean what its dictionary definition says it means, then that would make sense. Hi Danielle (and please call me Bob), there’s no reason that tact should come across to someone as less than authentic or phony….because it’s not either of those. The more the leader learns about individual personality styles and communication preferences there can be efficiency gains. ---Remain fabulous and phenomenal. 20. Kosslyn SM, T.W., Sukel KE, Alpert NM., Two types of image generation: evidence from PET. My belief is that one can be tactful and thoughtful and still be honest in the way they communicate. I prefer to spare their feelings. Founder at Psychology Junkie. 12. Brutality and honesty not necessarily be combined especially when we deal with people on a one-o-one basis. The truth may not always be ugly, but it is never pretty – especially when private demons are involved. [18-20], The brain processes stress as threat, and prepares for the eventuality of fight-or-flight, by going into “survive now, ask questions later,” mode. Honesty is a facet of moral character that connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, straightforwardness, including straightforwardness of conduct, along with the absence of lying, cheating, theft, etc. Are there some who will? 17. Ziegelstein, R.C., Acute emotional stress and cardiac arrhythmias. The messages should still always be delivered with tact and professionalism. I do agree that tact and diplomacy will get your further, especially in business and your in-laws. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. This does not mean that they are less than authentic when in front of the camera or microphone; merely that they are playing a role, like any actor. With the exception of people who just aren’t very nice, I think brutal honesty happens when you’re driven to a point where you just lose it, and it comes out all wrong. In my example and post, it instead offers an exceptionally positive and personal observation. 1378: p. 72-83. Legato, M.J., The allostatic load: how stress makes us sick. As the Rugby World Cup gets under way in Japan, Dr Austin Swain examines the brutal honesty that exists in high-performing teams and asks why it’s so tough to replicate this in business. Thank you for sharing that great thought with us! [25] Excess stress and chronic illness often leads to depression, anxiety, and other Prozac-friendly states of mind. Annu Rev Neurosci, 1999. People like that think of themselves as truth-tellers, but rather than being honest what they are really communicating is, “I don’t care about your feelings, and I don’t care about how effective my message is.” If you hit someone, they put up their hands in defense. Let’s look at the root of “brutal.” A “brute” is a bully. That phrase does not exist within their language – it is a North American phrase. And, I’m assuming that is a result you would desire if you’re bothering to take the time to make a suggestion to that person. It just sent me into a deeper depression. I think it is important that we are honest, but tactful, striving only to improve the situation–not just to relieve our frustration. Regarding the situation with your boss, I don’t know enough of the story (background, past experiences, people, situation, etc.) Never attack. I included “I want to be brutally honest with you…” as tongue in cheek as it usually preceeds what can feel like a kick in the knees to the object of the honesty. [2-8]  Dr. Alex Korb, renown depression expert, and author of The Upward Spiral  says stress is a major factor in depression. . 25. Bob speaks for corporations and associations internationally, including fortune 500 companies, franchises, and numerous direct sales organizations. Strong people blame themselves, and weak people blame others. BTW, in those very rare times when “brutal honesty” truly is needed and is appropriate, I don’t believe it need be, or even should be, emotion-based. Dee: Thank you for joining the conversation. 109 Suppl 2: p. 17180-5. Joukhador, J., F. Maccallum, and A. Blaszczynski, Differences in cognitive distortions between problem and social gamblers. 9. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. And only real because they agree upon it. I honestly believe all this does is make people that are sensitive and thoughtful over think what they say, while brutal people continue to not care. This “brutally honest” mentality has been the downfall of many so-called leaders. You have to explore that discrepancy to understand your compatibility with the world and assess the intrinsic and consensual realities of your life. Adv Mind Body Med, 2002. It simply means that you’re…tactful. It’s not true. Don’t ask an Aquarius man a question fishing for compliments like, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Remember, the premise of this post is not that you shouldn’t be honest. Edie: Thank you. Thanks for writing it! Whether it be racially, politically, fat shaming, bullying issues, and brutal verses non brutal honesty. You always know where you stand. For one reason, and one reason only. First, please keep in mind, as it states in the article, there’s a time and place for everything. As my friend, People Skills Authority and Coach, Kate Nasser teaches, “Civility doesn’t weaken your message; it helps others to hear & embrace it.”, And, a very tough but successful General and later U.S. president, Dwight D. Eisenhower even said: “You don’t lead by hitting people over the head—that’s assault, not leadership.”. I say possible because it may not always be the case and it could be that I am potentially wrong about my observation. We’ve lost the skill set to be able to communicate authentically, and therefore our guards are always up, regardless of the person’s intent, which is, I think where the term ‘brutal honesty’ stems from.. Alyssa, thank you for your thoughtful feedback. You are honest but when you tell someone the truth, you keep in mind to do so as painlessly as possible. And when in doubt, ask for clarification so that you do get the other person’s meaning. Well this is MY experience and my oppinion – You can always find something POSITIVE to say, to make people “right” so they can afford to be a little wrong too We have learned from painful personal experience the massive amount of energy wasted by repressing emotions. Janet: Thank you. Thank you for sharing such profound wisdom with us! If you’ll note, in the middle of the post I wrote, “Sure, there’s a time and place for most things. The theory going around that you have to lay it out flat and lay down the law hard has damaged the way most view leadership. Bruhl, A.B., et al., Neural correlates of altered general emotion processing in social anxiety disorder. I see right through it, and it annoys me. We can do this. I’m told by his family and friends they’d rather deal with me because they’ll get a straight answer. Koob, G.F., et al., Addiction as a stress surfeit disorder. Thank you again for writing. And, I believe it’s the same when dealing honestly with anyone. I’d attempted to be clear in my meaning in the way I wrote the article. Her eyes were like two black holes because she had black eyes (Very rare.) Being direct is a much more gentle way of asking someone if they are ready to hear a possible truth about themselves. If neither of us say anything, neither of us know, neither of us get what we would like. Again, I’m sorry you are going through the discomfort you are obviously experiencing and I wish you well. To strengthen rather than diminish. Hence, the brain structures involved cannot distinguish between perceived and actual threat. Bob, Dishing out ‘brutal honesty’ means expressing an opinion with disregard for the opinion of the recipient. 41(9): p. 1929-38. One in four people over 40 are on anti-depressants. As seen on The TODAY Show! Being tactful might require your heart and a few extra brain cells, but it leads to more cooperation, naturally. Thank you kindly! In other words…. If an opinion is and opinion well then state it that way but if it is a fact then state it that way as well. 22: p. 105-22. Sigh, in this society, we can’t even express why we are doing some openly, with honesty, without being misconstrued as intending to harm on others through, even if they are purely self serving actions. . She wore a mask that made her look like Also receive Bob Burg's weekly, How realistic is our plan to relocate - feel free to be brutally honest! Look at Howard Stern and Donald Trump. They have quite the following….but not with me. Honesty has proven for years to be the best policy when it comes to recovery Source: Joel de vriend/Unsplash One of the tales I heard when I was young was the story of Peter and the Wolf. And, a small percentage of the time, there might need to be brutality in that honesty.”. But, that’s a small — an extremely small — percentage of the time. Usually we can be honest in such a way that it effectively communicates the point while still allowing the other person to feel good about themselves. As you wrote in your comments, “tact and diplomacy will get you further.” Nothing about that says you should be less than truthful. If I may comment on your sentence, in which you said, “Michael {Hyatt} pointed out that ‘Great leaders do not sugarcoat the reality.'”. Regarding some things you mentioned above, such as racism, intentionally shaming someone, and bullying, those are certainly things that do *not* have a legitimate place in our society and should absolutely be discouraged. Acceptance is not acquiescence, apathy, passiveness, complacency, or endorsement – it is just more brutal truth. 298(3): p. 324-9. 6: p. 157. 20(1): p. 49-70. Organisational psychology is the study of human behaviour in the workplace. She went into a downward depressive spirawl and took her own life. Hans: Thank you for joining the conversation and for your very well thought-out comments. Just my opinion, of course. Why can’t being “brutally honest” include some keen, sincere and exceptional observation of outstanding performance or admiration of a personal trait or characteristic? Strictly Necessary Cookie should be enabled at all times so that we can save your preferences for cookie settings. And, a small percentage of the time, there might need to be brutality in that honesty.”. 3. . Below it is a copy of the poem by Charles Bukowski. And, a small percentage of the time, there might need to be brutality in that honesty. Conversely, dishonesty can be defined simply as behavior that is performed with intent to deceive or to manipulate the truth. AWESOME post, Bob! I agree that you don’t have to be brutal to be honest. Without my knowing the situation I cannot comment on what should or should not have been said (or, how it should or should not have been said).